Исламска наивност и нелепост: Разлика между версии

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{{Quote|{{Muslim|2|500}}, See also: {{Muslim|2|501}}|Ибн Умар каза: Пратеникът на Аллах (мир нему) рече: Действайте срещу многобожниците, подстригвайте до голо мустаците и пускайте брада“.}}

==Allah loves sneezes ''(aacchoo!)''==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|73|245}}|Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah loves sneezing but dislikes yawning; so if anyone of you sneezes and then praises Allah, every Muslim who hears him (praising Allah) has to say Tashmit to him. But as regards yawning, it is from Satan, so if one of you yawns, he should try his best to stop it, for when anyone of you yawns, Satan laughs at him."}}

==3x Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter?==

{{Quote|[http://web.archive.org/web/20071224144918/http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/adheringtosunnah.html http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/adheringtosunnah.html]|

(Abu ‘Eesa said: a saheeh hasan hadeeth, 2614) Abu Sa’eed said: Abu Moosa sought permission to enter upon ‘Umar. He said,<br> Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was once, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,<br> Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was twice, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,<br> Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was three times. Then Abu Moosa went away. ‘Umar asked the doorkeeper, What happened? The doorkeeper said, He went away. ‘Umar said, bring him back. When he came back, ‘Umar said, What is this that you have done? Abu Moosa said, It is the Sunnah. ‘Umar said: is it? Then he said, I did not know this…}}

==Interpretation of dreams==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|1|2|22}}|Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: Allah's Apostle said, "While I was sleeping I saw (in a dream) some people wearing shirts of which some were reaching up to the breasts only while others were even shorter than that. Umar bin Al-Khattab was shown wearing a shirt that he was dragging." The people asked, "How did you interpret it? (What is its interpretation) O Allah's Apostle?" He (the Prophet ) replied, "It is the Religion."}}

==Allah takes away Prophet's knowledge==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|1|2|46}}|Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (an evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." Narrated 'Ubada bin As-Samit: "Allah's Apostle went out to inform the people about the (date of the) night of decree (Al-Qadr) but there happened a quarrel between two Muslim men. The Prophet said, "I came out to inform you about (the date of) the night of Al-Qadr, but as so and so and so and so quarrelled, '''its knowledge was taken away''' (I forgot it) and maybe it was better for you. Now look for it in the 7th, the 9th and the 5th (of the last 10 nights of the month of Ramadan)."}}

==Pus better than poetry==

{{Quote|{{Muslim|28|5611}}|Abu Sa`id Khudri reported: We were going with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). As we reached the place (known as) Arj there met (us) a poet who had been reciting poetry. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Catch the satan or detain the satan, for filling the belly of a man with pus is better than stuffing his brain with poetry.}}

==Spit on the left for protection against bad dreams==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|9|87|115}}|Narrated Abu Qatada: The Prophet said, "A good dream that comes true is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan, so if anyone of you sees a bad dream, he should seek refuge with Allah from Satan and should spit on the left, for the bad dream will not harm him."}}

==Genetics 101==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|82|830}}|Narrated Abu Huraira: "A bedouin came to Allah's Apostle and said, "My wife has delivered a black child." The Prophet said to him, "Have you camels?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "What color are they?" He replied, "They are red." The Prophet further asked, "Are any of them gray in color?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet asked him, "Whence did that grayness come?" He said, "I think it descended from the camel's ancestors." Then the Prophet said (to him), "Therefore, this child of yours has most probably inherited the color from his ancestors."}}

==Death be upon you, too==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|74|274}}|Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:

Allah's Apostle said, "When the Jews greet you, they usually say, 'As-Samu 'alaikum (Death be on you),' so you should say (in reply to them), 'Wa'alaikum (And on you)." }}

==Prophetic buttocks==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|9|88|232}}|Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established till the buttocks of the women of the tribe of Daus move while going round Dhi-al-Khalasa." Dhi-al-Khalasa was the idol of the Daus tribe which they used to worship in the Pre Islamic Period of ignorance.}}

==Stating the obvious==

{{Quote|{{Abu Dawud|41|4802}}|Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: I heard the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) as saying: The best places to sit are those which provide most room.}}

==The almighty wind==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|2|17|144}}|Narrated Anas:

Whenever a strong wind blew, anxiety appeared on the face of the Prophet (fearing that wind might be a sign of Allah's wrath).}}

==Could someone please lick my hands? Thank you==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|65|366}}|Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said, 'When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, '''or had it licked by somebody else'''."}}

==The art of dealing with a fart==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|9|86|86}}|Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah does not accept prayer of anyone of you if he does Hadath (passes wind) till he performs the ablution (anew)."}}

{{Quote|Tabari I 267|And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart.}}

==Hey Muhammad, need a beer?==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|69|508}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah's Apostle was presented a bowl of milk and a bowl of wine on the night he was taken on a journey (Al-Mi'raj).}}

==Allah curses tatooed women==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|72|826}}|Narrated Ibn Mas'ud:

Allah has cursed those women who practise tattooing or get it done for themselves, and those who remove hair from their faces, and those who create spaces between their teeth artificially to look beautiful, such ladies as change the features created by Allah. Why then shall I not curse those whom Allah's Apostle has cursed and who are cursed in Allah's Book too?}}

==Angel Gabriel said hello==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|74|270}}|Narrated 'Aisha: that the Prophet said to her, "Gabriel sends Salam (greetings) to you." She replied, "Wa 'alaihi-s-Salam Wa Rahmatu-l-lah." (Peace and Allah's Mercy be on him).}}

'''Note''': Did he use voicemail or SMS?

==Dye your hair because Jews and Christians don't==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|72|786}}|Narrated Abu Huraira :

The Prophet said, "Jews and Christians do not dye their hair so you should do the opposite of what they do.}}

==Izar dragging causes endless descent==

==Greeting order==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|74|250}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "The young should greet the old, the passer by should greet the sitting one, and the small group of persons should greet the large group of persons. "}}

'''Comment''': Who says hello first if a small group of elders meets a larger group of younger people?

==Well hello, hello, hello==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|74|261}}|Narrated Anas:

Whenever Allah's Apostle greeted somebody, he used to greet him three times, and if he spoke a sentence, he used to repeat it thrice.}}

==Poke the Peeping Tom==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|9|83|38}}|Narrated Anas:

A man peeped into one of the dwelling places of the Prophet. The Prophet got up and aimed a sharp-edged arrow head (or wooden stick) at him to poke him stealthily. }}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|9|83|39}}| Narrated Abu Huraira:

Abul Qasim said, "If any person peeps at you without your permission and you poke him with a stick and injure his eye, you will not be blamed."}}

{{Quote|[http://web.archive.org/web/20020422171727/www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/NHMK_RT/Default.htm Reliance of the Traveller: A Classic Manual of Islamic Sacred Law]<BR>Ahmad ibn Naqib al-Misri, Edited and Translated by Nuh Ha Mim Keller|'''p7S.22''' The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

(1) "Were a man to look at you without permission and you threw a rock at him and knocked out his eye, you would not have committed any offense. "

(2) "Whoever peeps into a house without its people's leave, they may put out his eye."}}

==Allah prefers odd numbers==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|75|419}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah has ninety-nine Names, i.e., one hundred minus one, and whoever believes in their meanings and acts accordingly, will enter Paradise; and Allah is Witr (one) and loves 'the Witr' (i.e., odd numbers). }}

==Overweight omen==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|6|60|253}} |Narrated Abu Huraira:<BR>Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection, a huge fat man will come who will not weigh, the weight of the wing of a mosquito in Allah's Sight." and then the Prophet added, 'We shall not give them any weight on the Day of Resurrection'}}

==Searching for the meaning in life... and 3 stones==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|1|4|158}}| Narrated Abdullah:<BR>The Prophet went out to answer the call of nature and asked me to bring three stones. I found two stones and searched for the third but could not find it. So I took a dried piece of dung and brought it to him. He took the two stones and threw away the dung and said, "This is a filthy thing."|See Also {{Bukhari|1|4|157}}, {{Bukhari|1|4|162}}, {{Bukhari|1|4|163}}}}

==A Tree which is 25.5 million miles wide==  

{{Quote|[{{Bukhari-url-only|8|76|559}}t Sahih Bukhari 8:76:559t] |Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd:<BR>Allah's Apostle said, "In Paradise there is a tree so big that in its shade a rider may travel for one hundred years without being able to cross it."}}

Note: Considering the average speed of a galloping horse can be around 30 miles/hour and the Islamic year has 355 days, this means the tree is 25,560,000 miles wide (25.5 million miles). This is about half the distance from the planet Earth to Mars.

==Economical dry-cleaning in tough times==

==Annoying in-laws, a universal phenomenon==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|62|159}}| Narrated 'Uqba bin 'Amir:<BR>

Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" '''The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself'''.}}

And there are people who compare this guy with Buddha.

==Genies like bones and animal dung==

That once he was in the, company of the Prophet carrying a water pot for his ablution and for cleaning his private parts. While he was following him carrying it(i.e. the pot), the Prophet said, "Who is this?" He said, "I am Abu Huraira." '''The Prophet said, "Bring me stones in order to clean my private parts, and do not bring any bones or animal dung."''' Abu Huraira went on narrating: So I brought some stones, carrying them in the corner of my robe till I put them by his side and went away.

When he finished, I walked with him and asked, "What about the bone and the animal dung?" He said, '''"They are of the food of Jinns. The delegate of Jinns of (the city of) Nasibin came to me--and how nice those Jinns were--and asked me for the remains of the human food.''' I invoked Allah for them that they would never pass by a bone or animal dung but find food on them."}}

The Prophet said, "If anyone of you, when having sexual relation with his wife, say:'In the name of Allah. O Allah! Protect us from Satan and prevent Satan from approaching our offspring you are going to give us,' and if he begets a child (as a result of that relation) Satan will not harm it."}}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|5|59|595}}|Narrated 'Amr bin Salama:

We were at a place which was a thoroughfare for the people, and the caravans used to pass by us and we would ask them, "What is wrong with the people? What is wrong with the people? Who is that man?. They would say, "That man claims that Allah has sent him (as an Apostle), that he has been divinely inspired, that Allah has revealed to him such-and-such." I used to memorize that (Divine) Talk, and feel as if it was inculcated in my chest (i.e. mind) And the 'Arabs (other than Quraish) delayed their conversion to Islam till the Conquest (of Mecca).  

They used to say." "Leave him (i.e. Muhammad) and his people Quraish: if he overpowers them then he is a true Prophet. So, when Mecca was conquered, then every tribe rushed to embrace Islam, and my father hurried to embrace Islam before (the other members of) my tribe. When my father returned (from the Prophet) to his tribe, he said, "By Allah, I have come to you from the Prophet for sure!" The Prophet afterwards said to them, 'Offer such-and-such prayer at such-and-such time, and when the time for the prayer becomes due, then one of you should pronounce the Adhan (for the prayer), and let the one amongst you who knows Qur'an most should, lead the prayer."

So they looked for such a person and found none who knew more Qur'an than I because of the Quranic material which I used to learn from the caravans. '''They therefore made me their Imam ((to lead the prayer) and at that time I was a boy of six or seven years, wearing a Burda (i.e. a black square garment) proved to be very short for me (and my body became partly naked). A lady from the tribe said, "Won't you cover the anus of your reciter for us?"''' So they bought (a piece of cloth) and made a shirt for me. I had never been so happy with anything before as I was with that shirt.}}

{{quote|{{bukhari|2|22|306}}|Narrated Sahl bin Sad<br>

The people used to offer the prayer with the Prophet with their waist-sheets tied round their necks because of the shortness of the sheets and the women were ordered not to lift their heads till the men had sat straight. }}

==Devils on a leash==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|54|497}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

Allah's Apostle said, "When the month of Ramadan comes, the gates of Paradise are opened and the gates of the (Hell) Fire are closed, and the devils are chained."}}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|54|536}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

Allah's Apostle said, "Once while a prophet amongst the prophets was taking a rest underneath a tree, an ant bit him. He, therefore, ordered that his luggage be taken away from underneath that tree and then ordered that the dwelling place of the ants should be set on fire. '''Allah sent him a revelation:-- "Wouldn't it have been sufficient to burn a single ant?"'''}}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|54|538}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

Allah's Apostle said, "A prostitute was forgiven by Allah, because, passing by a panting dog near a well and seeing that the dog was about to die of thirst, she took off her shoe, and tying it with her head-cover she drew out some water for it. So, Allah forgave her because of that."}}  

==Bodyguard job: Females need not apply==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|2|24|495}}|

Narrated Abu Musa: Thy Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "A time will come upon the people when a person will wander about with gold as Zakat and will not find anybody to accept it, and '''one man will be seen followed by forty women''' to be their guardian because of scarcity of men and great number of women".}}

{{Quote|Hadith translated by FFI forum member|Narrated by Abi Hurairah that the prophet PBUH said: If one of you got engaged in intercourse, they shouldn't look at the genital for that inherits blindness, and not talk too much for that inherits [[w:Aphonia|aphonia]] (lack of the ability to talk).}}

{{Quote|[{{Bukhari-url-only|4|52|74}}i Sahih Bukhari 4:52:74i]|Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah's Apostle said, "Once Solomon, son of David said, '(By Allah) Tonight I will have sexual intercourse with one hundred (or ninety-nine) women each of whom will give birth to a knight who will fight in Allah's Cause.' On that a (i.e. if Allah wills) but he did not say, Allah willing.' Therefore only one of those women conceived and gave birth to a half-man. By Him in Whose Hands Muhammad's life is, if he had said, "Allah willing', (he would have begotten sons) all of whom would have been knights striving in Allah's Cause."}}

{{Quote|1=[http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/78438 Islam Q&A - Fatwa #78438]|2=

Swallowing bits of food that may be left between the teeth is regarded as eating, so it invalidates

the fast...

If a person has food between his teeth, one of the following two scenarios must apply:

1 – It is a small amount that he cannot spit out, so he swallows it. This does not invalidate his fast, because it cannot be avoided. It is like saliva. Ibn al-Mundhir said: The scholars are unanimously agreed on that.  

{{quote|{{Abudawud|40|4731}}|Narrated AbuBarzah:<BR>

AbdusSalam ibn AbuHazim AbuTalut said: I saw AbuBarzah who came to visit Ubaydullah ibn Ziyad. Then a man named Muslim who was there in the company mentioned it to me.

'''When Ubaydullah saw him, he said: This Muhammad of yours is a dwarf and fat. ''The old man (i.e. AbuBarzah) understood it.'''''

So he said: I did not think that I should remain among people who would make me feel ashamed of the company of Muhammad (peace be upon him).

Thereupon Ubaydullah said: The company of Muhammad (peace be upon him) is a honour for you, not a disgrace. He added: I called for you to ask about the reservoir. Did you hear the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) mentioning anything about it? AbuBarzah said: Yes, not once, twice, thrice, four times or five times. If anyone believes it, may Allah not supply him with water from it. He then went away angrily.}}

The fact that the old man AbuBarzah 'understood it' implies that Ubaydullah's description of Muhammad as a fat dwarf was accurate.

{{Quote|Bada'i al-Fuwa'id of [[w:Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya|Ibn Qayyim]] (Islamic scholar), page 129|"If a man makes a hole in a watermelon, or a piece of dough, or a leather skin, or a statue, and has sex with it, then this is the same as what we have said about other types of masturbation [i.e., that it is halaal in the same circumstances given before, such as being on a journey]. In fact, it is easier than masturbating with one's hand".<br />

{{Quote|Bada'i al-Fuwa'id of [[w:Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya|Ibn Qayyim]] (Islamic scholar), page 129|"If a man is torn between continued desire or releasing it, and if this man does not have a wife or he has a slave-girl but he does not marry, then if a man is overwhelmed by desire, and he fears that he will suffer because of this (someone like a prisoner, or a traveller, or a pauper), then it is permissible for him to masturbate, and Ahmad (ibn Hanbal) is explicit on this. Furthermore, '''it is narrated that the Companions of the Prophet (s) used to masturbate while they were on military expeditions or travelling'''".}}

{{quote|{{Bukhari|7|72|709}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:<BR>

The Prophet had forbidden: (A) the Mulamasa and Munabadha (bargains), (B) the offering of two prayers, one after the morning compulsory prayer till the sun rises, and the others, after the 'Asr prayer till the sun sets '''(C) He also forbade that one should sit wearing one garment, nothing of which covers his private parts (D) and prevent them from exposure to the sky;''' (E) he also forbade Ishtimal-as-Samma'.}}

{{quote|1=[http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/129446 Islam Q&A - Fatwa No. 129446]|2=The scholars of the Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas said:  

''Whatever is images of animate beings such as insects and other living beings is not permissible, even if it is drawn on a blackboard or on paper, and even if the purpose of it is to help in teaching, because it is not essential and because of the general meaning of the evidence concerning that.'' (Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 1/685)

 

 

 

 

 

==Animals and living things==

 

{{Quote|Taiseer-ul-Baari, volume 2, Page 626|According to `Amr b. Maymûn : I was in Yemen. Amongst the female goats of my people, I saw that at a heightened place, a male monkey brought along a female monkey and slept while keeping her hand beneath his head. During this time, a young monkey came and signaled the female monkey. She softly removed her hand from beneath the male monkey's head and went with the young monkey. She fornicated with him and I was watching it. After that, the female monkey returned and was softly trying to put her hand back under the male monkey's head that he woke up bewildered and smelled her and then screamed. <BR><BR>All the monkeys gathered thereafter. He would point towards her and scream constantly (i.e. she has committed adultery). At last the other monkeys went towards the right left and brought along that young monkey whom I recognized. They dug a hole for this young monkey and the female one and stoned them to death. So I saw monkeys stoning to death too besides the human race.}}

 

 

 

===Unpaid debt to turn into talking snake on Judgement Day===

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|9|86|89}}|Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection the Kanz (Treasure or wealth of which, Zakat has not been paid) of anyone of you will appear in the shape of a huge bald-headed poisonous male snake and its owner will run away from it, but it will follow him and say, 'I am your Kanz.'" The Prophet added, "By Allah, that snake will keep on following him until he stretches out his hand and let the snake swallow it." Allah's Apostle added, '''"If the owner of camels does not pay their Zakat, then, on the Day of Resurrection those camels will come to him and will strike his face with their hooves."'''}}

 

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|69|494}}|Narrated Abu 'Amir or Abu Malik Al-Ash'ari:

that he heard the Prophet saying, "From among my followers there will be some people who will consider illegal sexual intercourse, the wearing of silk, the drinking of alcoholic drinks and the use of musical instruments, as lawful. And there will be some people who will stay near the side of a mountain and in the evening their shepherd will come to them with their sheep and ask them for something, but they will say to him, 'Return to us tomorrow.' Allah will destroy them during the night and will let the mountain fall on them, and He will transform the rest of them into monkeys and pigs and they will remain so till the Day of Resurrection."}}

{{Abudawud|38|4448}} prescribes the death sentence for an unmarried man who commits sodomy but there is no prescribed punishment for having sex with an animal:

{{Quote|{{Abudawud|38|4450}} |Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

{{Quote|{{bukhari|4|52|105}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

 

 

{{quote|{{bukhari|1|3|91}}|Narrated Zaid bin Khalid Al-Juhani<BR>

 

A man asked the Prophet about the picking up of a "Luqata" (fallen lost thing). The Prophet replied, "Recognize and remember its tying material and its container, and make public announcement (about it) for one year, then utilize it but give it to its owner if he comes." Then the person asked about the lost camel. On that, the Prophet got angry and his cheeks or his Face became red and he said, "You have no concern with it as it has its water container, and its feet and it will reach water, and eat (the leaves) of trees till its owner finds it." '''The man then asked about the lost sheep. The Prophet replied, "It is either for you, for your brother (another person) or for the wolf.'''"}}

 

{{Quote|{{Muslim|23|4994}}|This hadith has been reported on the authority of Jabir through another chain of transmitters but with a slight variation of words:” '''The mouse may set the house on fire over its inhabitants'''.”}}

 

 

 

 

 

The Prophet said, "Listen and obey (your chief) even if an Ethiopian whose head is like a raisin were made your chief."}}

==In a dream, Satan cannot imitate the Prophet==

{{Quote|{{bukhari|9|87|123}}, See also {{bukhari|9|87|124}}, {{bukhari|9|87|125}}, and {{bukhari|9|87|126}}|Narrated Anas:

The Prophet said, "Whoever has seen me in a dream, then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape.}}  

==Don't be late, the angels are watching==

The Prophet said, "On every Friday the angels take heir stand at every gate of the mosques to write the names of the people chronologically (i.e. according to the time of their arrival for the Friday prayer and when the Imam sits (on the pulpit) they fold up their scrolls and get ready to listen to the sermon."}}

==Allah wants to see you...naked==

{{Quote|{{bukhari|8|76|531}}, See also {{bukhari|8|76|532}}, {{bukhari|8|76|533}}, and {{bukhari|8|76|533}} |Narrated Ibn Abbas:

The Prophet said, "You will meet Allah barefooted, naked, walking on feet, and uncircumcised."}}  

==People are just like camels==

{{Quote|{{bukhari|8|76|505}} |Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:

I heard Allah's Apostle saying, "People are just like camels, out of one hundred, one can hardly find a single camel suitable to ride."}}

{{Quote|{{Muslim|19|4309}}|It is narrated on the authority of Abu Sa'id that the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: On the Day of Judgment '''there will be a flag fixed behind the buttocks''' of every person guilty of the breach of faith.}}

==Satanic influences==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|2|21|245}}|Narrated 'Abdullah : A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, "Satan urinated in his ears."}}

===Devil sleeps in our what?===

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|54|504}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

The Prophet offered a prayer, and (after finishing) he said, "Satan came in front of me trying persistently to divert my attention from the prayer, but Allah gave me the strength to over-power him."}}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|54|506}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

The Prophet said, "When any human being is born. Satan touches him at both sides of the body with his two fingers, except Jesus, the son of Mary, whom Satan tried to touch but failed, for he touched the placenta-cover instead."}}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|54|509}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:  

{{quote|[{{Bukhari-url-only|3|38|505}}t Sahih Bukhari 3:38:505t]|Narrated Abu Huraira<BR>

Allah's Apostle deputed me to keep Sadaqat (al-Fitr) of Ramadan. A comer came and started taking handfuls of the foodstuff (of the Sadaqa) (stealthily). I took hold of him and said, "By Allah, I will take you to Allah's Apostle ." He said, "I am needy and have many dependents, and I am in great need." I released him, and in the morning Allah's Apostle asked me, "What did your prisoner do yesterday?" I said, "O Allah's Apostle! The person complained of being needy and of having many dependents, so, I pitied him and let him go." Allah's Apostle said, "Indeed, he told you a lie and he will be coming again." I believed that he would show up again as Allah's Apostle had told me that he would return. So, I waited for him watchfully. When he (showed up and) started stealing handfuls of foodstuff, I caught hold of him again and said, "I will definitely take you to Allah's Apostle. He said, "Leave me, for I am very needy and have many dependents. I promise I will not come back again." I pitied him and let him go.

In the morning Allah's Apostle asked me, "What did your prisoner do." I replied, "O Allah's Apostle! He complained of his great need and of too many dependents, so I took pity on him and set him free." Allah's Apostle said, "Verily, he told you a lie and he will return." I waited for him attentively for the third time, and when he (came and) '''started stealing handfuls of the foodstuff''', I caught hold of him and said, "I will surely take you to Allah's Apostle as it is the third time you promise not to return, yet you break your promise and come." He said, "(Forgive me and) I will teach you some words with which Allah will benefit you." I asked, "What are they?" He replied, "Whenever you go to bed, recite "Ayat-al-Kursi"-- 'Allahu la ilaha illa huwa-l-Haiy-ul Qaiyum' till you finish the whole verse. (If you do so), Allah will appoint a guard for you who will stay with you and no satan will come near you till morning. " So, I released him. In the morning, Allah's Apostle asked, "What did your prisoner do yesterday?" I replied, "He claimed that he would teach me some words by which Allah will benefit me, so I let him go." Allah's Apostle asked, "What are they?" I replied, "He said to me, 'Whenever you go to bed, recite Ayat-al-Kursi from the beginning to the end ---- Allahu la ilaha illa huwa-lHaiy-ul-Qaiyum----.' He further said to me, '(If you do so), '''Allah will appoint a guard for you''' who will stay with you, and no satan will come near you till morning.' (Abu Huraira or another sub-narrator) added that they (the companions) were very keen to do good deeds. The Prophet said, "He really spoke the truth, although he is an absolute liar. Do you know whom you were talking to, these three nights, O Abu Huraira?" Abu Huraira said, "No." He said, '''"It was Satan."'''}}

===Satan farts to the sound of the Adhan===

{{Quote| {{Bukhari|1|11|582}}|Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah's Apostle said, "When the Adhan is pronounced Satan takes to his heels and passes wind with noise during his flight in order not to hear the Adhan. When the Adhan is completed he comes back and again takes to his heels when the Iqama is pronounced and after its completion he returns again till he whispers into the heart of the person (to divert his attention from his prayer) and makes him remember things which he does not recall to his mind before the prayer and that causes him to forget how much he has prayed."}}

===Babies cry at birth because Satan touches them===

'''The Prophet said, “When any human being is born. Satan touches him at both sides of the body with his two fingers''', except Jesus, the son of Mary, whom Satan tried to touch but failed, for he touched the placenta-cover instead.”|}}

{{Quote|1=[http://www.searchtruth.com/book_display.php?book=55&translator=1&start=0&number=641#641 Sahih Bukhari Book 55 No. 641]|2=Narrated Said bin Al-Musaiyab: Abu Huraira said, “I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, ‘There is none born among the off-spring of Adam, but Satan touches it. '''A child therefore, cries loudly at the time of birth because of the touch of Satan''', except Mary and her child.” Then Abu Huraira recited: “And I seek refuge with You for her and for her offspring from the outcast Satan.” (3.36)}}

===Eat with the right hand because Satan eats with the left===

{{Quote|{{Muwatta|49|4|6|}}|Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Abu Bakr ibn Ubaydullah ibn Abdullah ibn Umar from Abdullah ibn Umar that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "When you eat, eat with your right hand and drink with your right hand. Shaytan eats with his left hand and drinks with his left hand."}}

==Call of nature related to offensive and wicked things==

{{Quote|{{bukhari|1|4|144}} |Narrated Anas:

Whenever the Prophet went to answer the call of nature, he used to say, "Allah-umma inni a'udhu bika minal khubuthi wal khaba'ith i.e. O Allah, I seek Refuge with You from all offensive and wicked things (evil deeds and evil spirits)."}}  

==Islamic Heaven: "appetizing vaginas" and "ever-erect" penises==

{{Quote|Al-Itqan fi Ulum al-Qur'an, p. 351|"Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and '''all will have appetizing vaginas'''."}}

==Allah punishes Muhammad for Safiyah's capture by making him fall off a camel==

[[Safiyah]] bint Huyay was a woman that Muhammad captured and married, after killing her husband.

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|4|52|318}}|Narrated Anas bin Malik: '''We were in the company of the Prophet while returning from 'Usfan, and Allah's Apostle was riding his she−camel keeping Safiya bint Huyay riding behind him. His she−camel slipped and both of them fell down.''' Abu Talha jumped from his camel and said, "O Allah's Apostle! May Allah sacrifice me for you." The Prophet said, "Take care of the lady." So, Abu Talha covered his face with a garment and went to Safiya and covered her with it, and then he set right the condition of their shecamel so that both of them rode, and we were encircling Allah's Apostle like a cover. When we approached Medina, the Prophet said, "We are returning with repentance and worshipping and praising our Lord." He kept on saying this till he entered Medina.}}

==Tortured in the grave for peeing on himself==

Once the Prophet, while passing through one of the grave-yards of Medina or Mecca heard the voices of '''two persons who were being tortured in their graves'''. The Prophet said, "These two persons are being tortured not for a major sin (to avoid)." The Prophet then added, "Yes! (they are being tortured for a major sin). Indeed, '''one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine''' while the other used to go about with calumnies (to make enmity between friends). The Prophet then asked for a green leaf of a date-palm tree, broke it into two pieces and put one on each grave. On being asked why he had done so, he replied, "I hope that their torture might be lessened, till these get dried." }}

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|1|4|215}}| Narrated Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari:

Allah's Apostle said, "If anyone of you goes to an open space for answering the call of nature he should neither face nor turn his back towards the Qibla; he should either face the east or the west}}

==Black dogs are devils==

{{Quote|{{Muslim|4|1032}} |Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of 'Allah (may peace be upon him) said: When any one of you stands for prayer and there is a thing before him equal to the back of the saddle that covers him and in case there is not before him (a thing) equal to the back of the saddle, his prayer would be cut off by (passing of an) ass, woman, and black Dog. I said: O Abu Dharr, what feature is there in a black dog which distinguish it from the red dog and the yellow dog? He said: O, son of my brother, I asked the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) as you are asking me, and he said: '''The black dog is a devil'''.}}

==Playing chess is evil==

{{Quote|{{Muslim|28|5612}} | Buraida reported on the authority of his father that Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: He who played chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine.}}

==Aminah and her vagina light==

{{Quote|sirat ibn hisham 166| When the prophet came out of his mothers vagina, the light covered the east and the west which reached all the way to Sham (Syria today) }}

==Free a Muslim slave, and save your private parts==

The Prophet said, "If somebody manumits a Muslim slave, Allah will save from the Fire every part of his body for freeing the corresponding parts of the slave's body, even his private parts will be saved from the Fire) because of freeing the slave's private parts."}}

==Don't ever raise your head==

{{Quote| {{Bukhari|1|11|660}}|  Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Isn't he who raises his head before the Imam afraid that Allah may transform his head into that of a donkey or his figure (face) into that of a donkey?" }}

==He pees like a woman==

{{Quote|{{Abudawud|1|22}}|Narrated Amr ibn al-'As:  

AbdurRahman ibn Hasanah reported: I and Amr ibn al-'As went to the Prophet (peace be upon him). He came out with a leather shield (in his hand). He covered himself with it and urinated. Then we said: Look at him. He is urinating as a woman does. The Prophet (peace be upon him), heard this and said: Do you not know what befell a person from amongst Banu Isra'il (the children of Israel)? When urine fell on them, they would cut off the place where the urine fell; but he (that person) forbade them (to do so), and was punished in his grave.}}

{{Quote|{{Quran|22|15}}|Whoso is wont to think (through envy) that Allah will not give him (Muhammad) victory in the world and the Hereafter (and is enraged at the thought of his victory), let him stretch a rope up to the roof (of his dwelling), and let him hang himself. Then let him see whether his strategy dispelleth that whereat he rageth!.}}

{{Quote|{{Muslim|23|5022}}|Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: None of you should drink while standing; and if anyone forgets, he must vomit.}}

==Two things the Prophet loves: perfume and women==

{{Quote|Ibn Sa'd's Kitab Tabaqat Al-Kubra, Volume 1, Page 380|Al-Hasan al-Basri wrote: “The Messenger of God said, “The only two things I cherish of the life of this world are women and perfume.}}

{{Quote|{{Muslim|4|862}}|Jabir b. Samura reported: The Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: The people who lift their eyes towards the sky in Prayer should avoid it or they would lose their eyesight.}}

 

==Perpetual suicide==

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Whoever purposely throws himself from a mountain and kills himself, will be in the (Hell) Fire falling down into it and abiding therein perpetually forever; and whoever drinks poison and kills himself with it, he will be carrying his poison in his hand and drinking it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever; and whoever kills himself with an iron weapon, will be carrying that weapon in his hand and stabbing his abdomen with it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever." }}

'''Note:''' What if the poison is delicious?

==Masturbation leads to a pregnant hand and too much sex leads to death==

{{Quote|[[Harm No. 14: Leads to Masturbation|The 14 Harms Of Casting Evil Glances]]<BR>Shaikh ul Arab wal Ajam Hazrat Maulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb|'''15. Harm No. 14: Leads to Masturbation'''<BR>. . .<BR>

Just as it is unlawful and forbidden to commit sexual intercourse with a strange man or woman, it is likewise forbidden to masturbate.

Unfortunately, this sin has become widespread in this day and age. In some narrations of Hadith there are severe warnings against this sin. It has been mentioned that '''the person who masturbates shall be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with a pregnant hand'''. It has also been mentioned that the ناکح الید (''the one who masturbates'') is under the curse of Allah. Fulfilling one's sexual desires in an unlawful manner is obviously impermissible. But one should also be cautious of excessive permissible sex. Too much sexual intercourse spoils the health and drains one's strength.

Spiritually, one does not get enjoyment in worship and ''Zikr''. If also causes the child to be born weak and frail. It is for this very reason that the Buzurgs have advised to preserve the semen. After 15 to 30 days when there is a strong urge to have sex, only then should one fulfill one's desire. The lion copulates once a year and from that it breeds offspring.

Similarly, those people who have intercourse after long intervals of time produce strong and healthy children. Therefore, moderation is necessary in sexual relations with one's wife, otherwise '''excessive sex can even lead to death.''' My Shaikh, ''Hazrat Phoulpoori'' (رحمۃ اللہ علیہ) narrated to us the incident of an ''Alim'' who had a very beautiful wife. Whenever he would come home from running errands and would see his wife, then he would not be able to control himself. He used have so much sexual relations that after six months, instead of discharging semen, '''blood started to ejaculate from his penis'''. This eventually led to a severe fever after which he died. Beauty was the cause of his death. This is why I advise to have moderation in permissible things as well. As for the unlawful, then my advice is not to even go near ''Haraam''. May Allah Ta'ala grant us the ability to practice upon what has been said. Amen}}

==Muhammad the inadvertent trend-setter has a temper tantrum==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|7|72|756}}, See also: {{Muslim|24|5210}}, and {{Bukhari|7|72|755}}|Narrated Ibn. 'Umar:  

Allah's Apostle wore a gold ring or a silver ring and placed its stone towards the palm of his hand and had the name 'Muhammad, the Apostle of Allah' engraved on it. The people also started wearing gold rings like it, but when the Prophet saw them wearing such rings, he threw away his own ring and said. "I will never wear it," and then wore a silver ring, whereupon the people too started wearing silver rings. Ibn Umar added: After the Prophet Abu Bakr wore the ring, and then Umar and then 'Uthman wore it till it fell in the Aris well from 'Uthman. bin 'Umar : Allah's Apostle wore a gold ring, then he threw it and said, "I will never wear it." The people also threw their (gold) rings.}}

The Prophet said, "Gabriel said to me, 'Whoever amongst your followers die without having worshipped others besides Allah, will enter Paradise (or will not enter the (Hell) Fire)." The Prophet asked. "Even if he has committed illegal sexual intercourse or theft?" He replied, "Even then."}}

==Prophet's sweat used as perfume==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|8|74|298}}|Narrated Thumama:

Anas said, "Um Sulaim used to spread a leather sheet for the Prophet and he used to take a midday nap on that leather sheet at her home." Anas added, "When the Prophet had slept, she would take some of his sweat and hair and collect it (the sweat) in a bottle and then mix it with Suk (a kind of perfume) while he was still sleeping. "When the death of Anas bin Malik approached, he advised that some of that Suk be mixed with his Hanut (perfume for embalming the dead body), and it was mixed with his Hanut.}}

==Refusing to die, Moses slaps Angel of Death and damages his eye==

{{Quote|{{Bukhari|2|23|423}}, |Narrated Abu Huraira: The angel of death was sent to Moses and when he went to him, Moses slapped him severely, spoiling one of his eyes. The angel went back to his Lord, and said, "You sent me to a slave who does not want to die.".....}}

==Eat dirty food and lick your fingers clean to starve the devil==

{{Quote|{{Muslim|23|5046}}, See Also: {{Muslim|23|5049}}|Jabir reported: I heard Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: The Satan is present with any one of you in everything he does; he is present even when he eats food; so if any one of you drops a mouthful he should remove away anything filthy on it and eat it and not leave for the devil; and when he finishes (food) he should lick his fingers, for he does not know in what portion of his food the blessing lies.}}

==Muslim women gossip about their husbands==

{{Quote|{{cite web|url=http://www.alim.org/library/hadith/SHB/117/7 |title=Bukhari Hadith 7.117 |publisher=Alim.org |author= |date= |archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160707081153/http://www.alim.org/library/hadith/SHB/117/7 |deadurl=no}}|Narrated Aisha: Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands. The first one said, "My husband is like the meat of a lean weak camel which is kept on the top of a mountain which is neither easy to climb, nor is the meat fat, so that one might put up with the trouble of fetching it." The second one said, "I shall not relate my husband's news, for I fear that I may not be able to finish his story, for if I describe him, I will mention all his defects and bad traits." The third one said, "My husband is a tall man; if I describe him (and he hears of that) he will divorce me, and if I keep quiet, he will neither divorce me nor treat me as a wife." The fourth one said, "My husband is a moderate person like the night of Tihama which is neither hot nor cold. I am neither afraid of him, nor am I discontented with him." The fifth one said, "My husband, when entering (the house) is a leopard, and when going out, is a lion. He does not ask about whatever is in the house." The sixth one said, "If my husband eats, he eats too much (leaving the dishes empty), and if he drinks he leaves nothing, and if he sleeps he sleeps alone (away from me) covered in garments and does not stretch his hands here and there so as to know how I fare (get along)." The seventh one said, "My husband is a wrong-doer or weak and foolish. All the defects are present in him. He may injure your head or your body or may do both." The eighth one said, "My husband is soft to touch like a rabbit and smells like a Zarnab (a kind of good smelling grass)." The ninth one said, "My husband is a tall generous man wearing a long strap for carrying his sword. His ashes are abundant and his house is near to the people who would easily consult him." The tenth one said, "My husband is Malik, and what is Malik? Malik is greater than whatever I say about him. (He is beyond and above all praises which can come to my mind). Most of his camels are kept at home (ready to be slaughtered for the guests) and only a few are taken to the pastures. When the camels hear the sound of the lute (or the tambourine) they realize that they are going to be slaughtered for the guests." The eleventh one said, "My husband is Abu Zar and what is Abu Zar (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain. Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill. The mother of Abu Zar and what may one say in praise of the mother of Abu Zar? Her saddle bags were always full of provision and her house was spacious. As for the son of Abu Zar, what may one say of the son of Abu Zar? His bed is as narrow as an unsheathed sword and an arm of a kid (of four months) satisfies his hunger. As for the daughter of Abu Zar, she is obedient to her father and to her mother. She has a fat well-built body and that arouses the jealousy of her husband's other wife. As for the (maid) slave girl of Abu Zar, what may one say of the (maid) slavegirl of Abu Zar? She does not uncover our secrets but keeps them, and does not waste our provisions and does not leave the rubbish scattered everywhere in our house." The eleventh lady added, "One day it so happened that Abu Zar went out at the time when the milk was being milked from the animals, and he saw a woman who had two sons like two leopards playing with her two breasts. (On seeing her) he divorced me and married her. Thereafter I married a noble man who used to ride a fast tireless horse and keep a spear in his hand. He gave me many things, and also a pair of every kind of livestock and said, 'Eat (of this), O Um Zar, and give provision to your relatives." She added, "Yet, all those things which my second husband gave me could not fill the smallest utensil of Abu Zar's." 'Aisha then said: Allah's Apostle said to me, "I am to you as Abu Zar was to his wife Um Zar."}}

{{quote|{{bukhari|2|18|158}}|Narrated Abu Bakr: "Allah's Apostle said: "The sun and the moon are two signs amongst the signs of Allah and they do not eclipse because of the death of someone but Allah frightens His devotees with them."}}

 

==Can you even make heads or tails out of this?==

 

{{Quote|{{cite web|url=https://sunnah.com/abudawud/29/27 |title=Sunan Abu Dawud: Book 29 Hadith 27 |publisher= |author=Abu Dawud |date= |archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160201064840/http://sunnah.com/abudawud/29/27 |deadurl=no}}|Narrated Asma', daughter of Yazid ibn as-Sakan: I heard the Messenger of Allah as saying: Do not kill your children secretly, for the milk, with which a child is suckled while his mother is pregnant, overtakes the horseman and throws him from his horse.}}

==Shia: They too deserve their place in this silliness, don't they?==

===Adultery causes sudden deaths and the earth punishes tax evaders===

===RIP dieticians===

{{Quote|{{cite book|url=https://www.al-islam.org/mizan-al-hikmah-scale-wisdom-ayatullah-muhammadi-rayshahri/bathhouse |title=Al-Khisal |publisher= |author=Ibn Babawayh |date= |archiveurl= |deadurl=no}} p. 155, no. 194.|Imam al-Sadiq said, "Three things cause weight gain and three others cause weight loss. As for those that cause weight gain, [they are] excessive use of the bathhouse, smelling sweet fragrance and wearing soft clothing. And as for those that cause weight loss, they are: eating too many eggs, fish and unripe dates."}}

 

 

 

 

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