Исламска наивност и нелепост
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Тази статия изброява някои от по-хумористичните текстове, които се намират в ислямските свещени книги.
Мухаммад унижава джина Сатана, като го задушава с голи ръце
Водата, в която има умрели кучета и менструални дрехи, е все още чиста
Треската е причинена от жегата на ада
Перуките са прокълнати
Пратеникът на Аллах прокълна една жена, която използваше изкуствена коса.
Божествено наготвено и поднесено гърне с месо решава проблемите на Пророка в леглото
Ходенето с една обувка е незаконно
Собствениците на овце са смирени, а притежателите на коне и камили са надменни
„Нека първо да се опознаем“
Кажете „не“ на зелените и белите стъкленици
Затегнете молитвените редици, за да избегнете пластичната хирургия
Натопете домашната муха в напитката
Свещеното яздене на миризливо магаре причинява голям бой с обувки и ново коранично откровение
Сребърните прибори са грях
Неодушевени предмети се събуждат от съня си
Камък, който краде дрехи
Плачещо дърво тъгува за проповедите на Пророка
„Ла илаха илла Аллах“, една садомазохистична храна прославя Аллах, докато бива изяждана
Дърветата като информатори
Камък, който поздравява или лъжлив Пророк?
Бродещи проклятия
Адският огън се оплаква на Аллах
Пророкът показва как се печели
Коремът противоречи на Аллах
Едно кихане, две кихания, три кихания, четири..
Аллах одобрява кихането, но мрази прозяването
Аллах, изпрати дъжд там, а не тук!
Резюме: Добитъкът на хората умирал поради липса на вода. Поискали от Мухаммад да се помоли на Аллах, който веднага пратил толкова много дъжд, че добитъкът започнал да се дави от голямото количество вода. Тогава Мухаммад казал на Аллах да прати дъжд около тях, а не върху тях и дъждът спрял.
Борба се срещу многобожниците, като си подстригвате мустаците
Аллах обича киханията
Три пъти „Ассалааму алайкум, мога ли да вляза?“
Аллах отнема знанието на Пророка
Гнойта е по-добра от поезията
Плюйте наляво, за да се защитите от лоши сънища
Генетика 101
Смърт за теб също
Задните части пророкуват
Да кажеш очевидното
Всемогъщият вятър
Може ли някой да ми оближе пръстите? Благодаря.
Изкуството да се справяш с пърденето
Хей, Мухаммад, искаш ли вино?
Аллах проклина татуираните жени
Ангелът Джебраил казва „здравей“
Боядисвайте си косите, защото юдеите и християните не го правят
Коментар: А какво става, ако те използват сапун и си мият зъбите?
Влаченето на изара (препаска – част от облеклото на мъжа в исляма – бел.прев.) причинява безкрайно пропадане
Ред на поздравленията
Коментар: Кой поздравява първи, ако малко група от възрастни хора се срещне с голяма група младежи или минаващите са по-възрастни?
Добре, „здравей, здравей, здравей“
Намушкай „Любопитния Том“
(1) "В случай че някой човек ви гледа без позволение и вие хвърлите камък и му извадите окото, няма да сте извършили никакво престъпление. "
(2) "На всеки, който наднича в дома на други хора без тяхно позволение, те могат да му извадят окото."Ахмад ибн Накиб ал-Мисри, редактирано и преведено на английски език от Нух Ха Мим Келър
Аллах предпочита нечетни числа
Поличба с наднормено тегло
Търсене на смисъла в живота… и три камъка
Пророкът излезе, за да се облекчи и поиска от мен да донеса три камъка. Аз намерих два камъка и потърсих трети, но не можах да намеря. Затова взех едно сухо парче тор и му го занесох. Той взе двата камъка и захвърли торта, като каза: „Това е мръсно нещо“.
Дърво, което е високо 41 млн. км
Бележка: Ако приемем, че средната скорост на галопиращ кон е около 48 км/ч, а ислямската година има 355 дни, това означава, че дървото е високо 40 896 000 км (41 млн. км). Това е около половината разстояние между Земята и Марс
Икономично химическо чистене в трудни времена
Досадни сватове – един всеобщ проблем
Пратеникът на Аллах каза: „Внимавайте да не влизате при жените.“ Един мъж от ансарите каза: „Пратенико на Аллах! Какво ще кажеш за Ал-Хаму (сватовете от мъжки пол) на съпругата (братята на нейния съпруг, неговите племенници и т.н.)?“ Пророкът каза: Пророкът каза: „Сватовете на съпругата са смърт сами по себе си.“.
Джинове като кости и животинска тор
Веднъж той беше в обкръжението на Пророка, като носеше леген с вода за неговото очистване и за измиване на гениталиите му. Докато той го следваше, носейки го (т.е. легена), Пророкът каза: „Кой е това?“. Той рече: „Аз съм Абу Хурайра“. Пророкът каза: „Донесете ми камъни, за да почистя гениталиите си, но не ми носете никакви кости или животинска тор.“ Абу Хурайра продължава да разказва: „И така, аз занесох няколко камъни, като ги носех в пазвата на робата си, оставих ги до него и се оттеглих“.
Заклинания по време на секс
„Покрийте всичките си бази“ (термин от бейзбола – бел.прев.)
Бяхме на едно място, което беше на главен път и караваните минаваха покрай нас и ги питахме: „Какво не е наред с хората? Какво не е наред с хората? Кой е този човек?“. Те казваха: „Този човек твърди, че Аллах го е изпратил (като Пратеник), че е получил божествено вдъхновение и че Аллах му е разкрил едно и друго нещо.“ Запомних този (боговдъхновен) разговор и го почувствах сякаш е вкоренен в гърдите (т.е. запечатан в ума). И арабите (с изключение на кураишите) отлагаха своето обръщане в исляма до Завладяването (на Мекка).
Те казваха: „Оставете го (т.е. Мухаммад) и не се занимавайте с неговия народ кураишите: ако той надделее над тях, тогава е истински пророк.“ И когато Мекка беше завладяна, тогава всяко племе се втурна да приема исляма, и моят баща се втурна да приеме исляма преди (другите членове) на племето ми. Когато баща ми се върна (от посещение при Пророка), рече: „В името на Аллах, със сигурност идвам при вас от Пророк(а)!“ След това Пророкът им каза: „Правете тази и тази молитва по това и това време, и когато настане времето за молитва, тогава един от вас трябва да произнася аднан (молитвата) и нека този сред вас, който познава най-добре Корана, да поведе молитвата.“
Хората отправяха молитвата с Пророка, като робите от кръста им бяха завързани около врата, понеже бяха твърде къси и на жените беше заповядано да не вдигат главите си, докато мъжете са прави.
Дяволи на каишка
Allah's advice to his prophets
Prostitutes can stay out of Hell by helping a thirsty dog
Bodyguard job: Females need not apply
Looking at genitals or talking during intercourse may cause disabilities for child
Say "Allah willing" during intercourse to give birth to Islamic militants
Dirty teeth can invalidate a fast
the fast...
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Mughni, 3/260:
If a person has food between his teeth, one of the following two scenarios must apply:
1 – It is a small amount that he cannot spit out, so he swallows it. This does not invalidate his fast, because it cannot be avoided. It is like saliva. Ibn al-Mundhir said: The scholars are unanimously agreed on that.
2 – It is a large amount and he can spit it out. If he spits it out there is no sin on him, but if he swallows it deliberately, his fast is invalidated according to the majority of scholars, because he has swallowed food that he could have spat out willingly when he is mindful of his fast. So this breaks the fast just as if he deliberately started eating. End quote."This Muhammad of yours is a dwarf and fat"
AbdusSalam ibn AbuHazim AbuTalut said: I saw AbuBarzah who came to visit Ubaydullah ibn Ziyad. Then a man named Muslim who was there in the company mentioned it to me.
When Ubaydullah saw him, he said: This Muhammad of yours is a dwarf and fat. The old man (i.e. AbuBarzah) understood it.
So he said: I did not think that I should remain among people who would make me feel ashamed of the company of Muhammad (peace be upon him).
Thereupon Ubaydullah said: The company of Muhammad (peace be upon him) is a honour for you, not a disgrace. He added: I called for you to ask about the reservoir. Did you hear the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) mentioning anything about it? AbuBarzah said: Yes, not once, twice, thrice, four times or five times. If anyone believes it, may Allah not supply him with water from it. He then went away angrily.The fact that the old man AbuBarzah 'understood it' implies that Ubaydullah's description of Muhammad as a fat dwarf was accurate.
Watermelons and cucumbers
"If a woman does not have a husband, and her lust becomes strong, then some of our scholars say: It is permissible for the woman to take an akranbij, which is a piece of leather worked until it becomes shaped like a penis, and insert it in herself. She may also use a cucumber".
A Muslim Shia website notes: "Maybe this is another reason why 'Umar the Khalifa never went on jihad: somebody had to stay behind and organize the cucumber distribution."
Companions of Muhammad masturbated during Jihad
Don't flash Allah
The Prophet had forbidden: (A) the Mulamasa and Munabadha (bargains), (B) the offering of two prayers, one after the morning compulsory prayer till the sun rises, and the others, after the 'Asr prayer till the sun sets (C) He also forbade that one should sit wearing one garment, nothing of which covers his private parts (D) and prevent them from exposure to the sky; (E) he also forbade Ishtimal-as-Samma'.
Doodling is a sin!
Whatever is images of animate beings such as insects and other living beings is not permissible, even if it is drawn on a blackboard or on paper, and even if the purpose of it is to help in teaching, because it is not essential and because of the general meaning of the evidence concerning that. (Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 1/685)
What is prohibited is making images of animate beings, whether that is engraving or painting on walls or fabric or paper or woven cloth, and whether it is done with a feather or a pen or other equipment, whether the thing is drawn as it is or whether some imaginary element is introduced, so it is made smaller or larger or more beautiful or more ugly, or it is drawn as a stick figure. (Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 1/696)
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
One of the most serious of evils is making images of animate beings and keeping them and using them. There is no difference between that which is three dimensional and that which is on paper, whether it is produced by machines or otherwise. This meaning was mentioned by al-Nawawi in Sharh Saheeh Muslim, and he mentioned that it is the view of the four imams. The hadeeths which emphatically warned against that are well known. (Fataawa Rasaa’il Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem, 13/173)
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen said:
Making images of animate beings, whether they are human or otherwise, is undoubtedly haraam and is a major sin, because it is proven that the one who does that is cursed by the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him). This is clear, whether they are three-dimensional or drawn by hand. (Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Rasaa’il Ibn ‘Uthaymeen 2/288)Animals and living things
Muttaqi (God-fearing) monkeys
See a video of a cleric talking about this event here.
All the monkeys gathered thereafter. He would point towards her and scream constantly (i.e. she has committed adultery). At last the other monkeys went towards the right left and brought along that young monkey whom I recognized. They dug a hole for this young monkey and the female one and stoned them to death. So I saw monkeys stoning to death too besides the human race.
This is consistent with the Qur'an in its claim that Jews (who at one time practiced stoning) were turned into apes:
Unpaid debt to turn into talking snake on Judgement Day
Monkeys and pigs are humans who once played music
Zoophilia pardonable but not homosexuality
Абу Дауд - 38:4448(англ.) prescribes the death sentence for an unmarried man who commits sodomy but there is no prescribed punishment for having sex with an animal:
Sheeps prefer female babies
Have flu? Try fresh camel urine
Women can woof too
Goat ate my Qur'an
Holy cocks and devil donkeys
The speaking cow
More horse dung and urine equals more heavenly rewards
Lost camels can be returned to their owners but not sheep
A man asked the Prophet about the picking up of a "Luqata" (fallen lost thing). The Prophet replied, "Recognize and remember its tying material and its container, and make public announcement (about it) for one year, then utilize it but give it to its owner if he comes." Then the person asked about the lost camel. On that, the Prophet got angry and his cheeks or his Face became red and he said, "You have no concern with it as it has its water container, and its feet and it will reach water, and eat (the leaves) of trees till its owner finds it." The man then asked about the lost sheep. The Prophet replied, "It is either for you, for your brother (another person) or for the wolf."
A house may be set on fire by a mouse
Israelites turned into rats
Race relations, the Islamic way
In a dream, Satan cannot imitate the Prophet
Don't be late, the angels are watching
Allah wants to see you...naked
People are just like camels
Flag fixed behind the buttocks
Satanic influences
Satan ties three knots at back of our head while we sleep
Satan urinated in my ears
Devil sleeps in our what?
Satan tries to interrupt Muhammad
Satan gets unlimited hospital passes
Satan LOL's at yawning
Man talks to Satan for 3 nights and Satan steals his food
Allah's Apostle deputed me to keep Sadaqat (al-Fitr) of Ramadan. A comer came and started taking handfuls of the foodstuff (of the Sadaqa) (stealthily). I took hold of him and said, "By Allah, I will take you to Allah's Apostle ." He said, "I am needy and have many dependents, and I am in great need." I released him, and in the morning Allah's Apostle asked me, "What did your prisoner do yesterday?" I said, "O Allah's Apostle! The person complained of being needy and of having many dependents, so, I pitied him and let him go." Allah's Apostle said, "Indeed, he told you a lie and he will be coming again." I believed that he would show up again as Allah's Apostle had told me that he would return. So, I waited for him watchfully. When he (showed up and) started stealing handfuls of foodstuff, I caught hold of him again and said, "I will definitely take you to Allah's Apostle. He said, "Leave me, for I am very needy and have many dependents. I promise I will not come back again." I pitied him and let him go.
In the morning Allah's Apostle asked me, "What did your prisoner do." I replied, "O Allah's Apostle! He complained of his great need and of too many dependents, so I took pity on him and set him free." Allah's Apostle said, "Verily, he told you a lie and he will return." I waited for him attentively for the third time, and when he (came and) started stealing handfuls of the foodstuff, I caught hold of him and said, "I will surely take you to Allah's Apostle as it is the third time you promise not to return, yet you break your promise and come." He said, "(Forgive me and) I will teach you some words with which Allah will benefit you." I asked, "What are they?" He replied, "Whenever you go to bed, recite "Ayat-al-Kursi"-- 'Allahu la ilaha illa huwa-l-Haiy-ul Qaiyum' till you finish the whole verse. (If you do so), Allah will appoint a guard for you who will stay with you and no satan will come near you till morning. " So, I released him. In the morning, Allah's Apostle asked, "What did your prisoner do yesterday?" I replied, "He claimed that he would teach me some words by which Allah will benefit me, so I let him go." Allah's Apostle asked, "What are they?" I replied, "He said to me, 'Whenever you go to bed, recite Ayat-al-Kursi from the beginning to the end ---- Allahu la ilaha illa huwa-lHaiy-ul-Qaiyum----.' He further said to me, '(If you do so), Allah will appoint a guard for you who will stay with you, and no satan will come near you till morning.' (Abu Huraira or another sub-narrator) added that they (the companions) were very keen to do good deeds. The Prophet said, "He really spoke the truth, although he is an absolute liar. Do you know whom you were talking to, these three nights, O Abu Huraira?" Abu Huraira said, "No." He said, "It was Satan."Satan farts to the sound of the Adhan
Babies cry at birth because Satan touches them
Eat with the right hand because Satan eats with the left
Islamic Heaven: "appetizing vaginas" and "ever-erect" penises
Allah punishes Muhammad for Safiyah's capture by making him fall off a camel
Safiyah bint Huyay was a woman that Muhammad captured and married, after killing her husband.
Tortured in the grave for peeing on himself
Faeces radiates towards Allah
Black dogs are devils
Playing chess is evil
Aminah and her vagina light
According to accepted sirat, Muhammad's mother had light coming out of her vagina when giving birth to him.
Free a Muslim slave, and save your private parts
Don't ever raise your head
The sin of raising your head before the imam is so great, your face will transform into a donkey.
He pees like a woman
If you disagree with the Qur'an you should go hang yourself
Drunk water while standing up? Puke it out!
Two things the Prophet loves: perfume and women
Looking up during prayer may cause blindness
Perpetual suicide
Note: What if the poison is delicious?
Masturbation leads to a pregnant hand and too much sex leads to death
. . .
Just as it is unlawful and forbidden to commit sexual intercourse with a strange man or woman, it is likewise forbidden to masturbate.
Unfortunately, this sin has become widespread in this day and age. In some narrations of Hadith there are severe warnings against this sin. It has been mentioned that the person who masturbates shall be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with a pregnant hand. It has also been mentioned that the ناکح الید (the one who masturbates) is under the curse of Allah. Fulfilling one's sexual desires in an unlawful manner is obviously impermissible. But one should also be cautious of excessive permissible sex. Too much sexual intercourse spoils the health and drains one's strength.
Spiritually, one does not get enjoyment in worship and Zikr. If also causes the child to be born weak and frail. It is for this very reason that the Buzurgs have advised to preserve the semen. After 15 to 30 days when there is a strong urge to have sex, only then should one fulfill one's desire. The lion copulates once a year and from that it breeds offspring.
Similarly, those people who have intercourse after long intervals of time produce strong and healthy children. Therefore, moderation is necessary in sexual relations with one's wife, otherwise excessive sex can even lead to death. My Shaikh, Hazrat Phoulpoori (رحمۃ اللہ علیہ) narrated to us the incident of an Alim who had a very beautiful wife. Whenever he would come home from running errands and would see his wife, then he would not be able to control himself. He used have so much sexual relations that after six months, instead of discharging semen, blood started to ejaculate from his penis. This eventually led to a severe fever after which he died. Beauty was the cause of his death. This is why I advise to have moderation in permissible things as well. As for the unlawful, then my advice is not to even go near Haraam. May Allah Ta'ala grant us the ability to practice upon what has been said. AmenShaikh ul Arab wal Ajam Hazrat Maulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb
Muhammad the inadvertent trend-setter has a temper tantrum
Believers will enter paradise even if they have had illegal sexual intercourse or committed theft
Prophet's sweat used as perfume
Refusing to die, Moses slaps Angel of Death and damages his eye
Eat dirty food and lick your fingers clean to starve the devil
Muslim women gossip about their husbands
A novel way to identify true Muslims
Going by this hadith, true Muslims are the ones hiding under their beds and trembling when an eclipse happens. All the rest are hypocrites and kuffar.
Can you even make heads or tails out of this?
Shia: They too deserve their place in this silliness, don't they?
Adultery causes sudden deaths and the earth punishes tax evaders
RIP dieticians
Famous Hadith Narrator accompanies Prophet only to get Free Meals
Abu Hurairah was one of the most famous hadith narrators. In this hadith, he admits that the only reason he followed Muhammad around so much (and hence knew a lot of narrations) was because he was poor, and that if he followed Muhammad he would always be assured of a free meal:
See Also
External Links
- The List: The World's Stupidest Fatwas - Foreign Policy, July 2007